EDDIE & ME
I met my mother and father at 56 years of age.
- Doug Anderson
00:04:29
Interviewer: So how old were you when you were adopted?
00:04:31
Doug: I was adopted out of foster care at right around seven years-old, right at the birthday and probably in March I was--my birthday was April and I remember having my birthday--first birthday party with my adoptive family. I must have been seven.
00:04:50
Interviewer: What was that like for you like to come from--? Were you in a group home or--?
00:04:57
Doug: I was in a foster home with five girls and myself. And I don’t remember how long I had been there, and I think I was in a group home before that. I was given up for adoption at birth, so moving from a foster home where people came in and out so we were all very aware of who we were and what may happen over--at any point in time whether we would move to another foster home, which was primarily the case. I didn’t know anybody else who had gotten adopted.
00:05:30
Interviewer: So you never felt safe; you couldn’t as a kid?
00:05:33
Doug: Well I was comfortable in that foster care environment because that’s all I knew. I didn’t know what it was to have a family of my own. I only knew about the other people I lived with who were all older than me. All the girls were older than me, and the foster care family was--they were nice enough. They were nice enough.
00:06:00
Interviewer: But they didn’t adopt you?
00:06:01
Doug: No; no. I--I--for them I think it was a business. But they were--they were good at it and they took pretty good care of us. I was reasonably comfortable there.
00:06:15
Interviewer: And when what happened? You left--
00:06:17
Doug: Well I went--I used to go to adoption fairs. You know you--
00:06:20
Interviewer: Well talk about that; what are adoption fairs?
00:06:22
Doug: Now that--that’s an interesting experience. You go I guess back to the agency and there’s a room full of kids. Most of them you know a month-old to three or four years-old. And you know people come and walk around and talk to you but they always go for the babies. And so as you grow older and you experience these adoption fairs you come to recognize that the older you get the less chance there would be of you getting adopted.
00:06:59
And I can remember when Eddie and Gloria Anderson came and talked to me in the last adoption fair that I attended and I just blew it off like always you know. It was a bunch of guys; we were hitting a punching bag and you know playing tag in one end of the room and the babies and little kids were down the other end and that’s where all the people were. And these two people came by and they chatted with me for a few minutes and I went back to the foster home and you know--I don’t know; some time later they sat me down and said Doug you’ve been adopted. And I said adopted? You mean I’m leaving? They said yeah. I wasn’t all together happy about it because it was another move you know another change.
00:07:48
And so you know the next thing you know I’m gone--one day to the next.
00:07:56
Interviewer: So did it happen right away like they said you’re leaving and then--?
00:08:00
Doug: The day I was leaving they told me, not two days before--
00:08:04
Interviewer: They said pack your bags?
00:08:06
Doug: That’s right; they told me in the morning and in the afternoon I was gone.
00:08:08
Interviewer: And what was that like? Did--where was this in New York?
00:08:11
Doug: It was in Buffalo, New York--Buffalo, New York.
00:08:15
Interviewer: So Gloria and--?
00:08:17
Doug: Gloria and Eddie Anderson lived in Jamestown, New York which is about an hour and 15 minutes south of Buffalo.
00:08:26
Interviewer: So they came and--
00:08:27
Doug: They came--they came in their car and picked me up at the agency or whatever that was. And then that was it.
00:08:38
Interviewer: Do you remember how you felt like being in the car with them and--were you--was there a part of you that was happy like--?
00:08:44
Doug: No.
00:08:45
Interviewer: None at all?
00:08:46
Doug: No; I wasn’t happy. I was--I--I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know--I didn’t know what I was getting into. I wasn’t looking forward to being adopted. I was--I was in foster care. Things were okay. I--I wasn’t feeling unappreciated or unwanted. I guess I just wasn’t old enough to realize other than the fact that you had these changes from time--I just thought that was the way it was. You know I--I just didn’t know.
00:09:24
Interviewer: Right; did you ever see that movie Cider House Rules?
00:09:26
Doug: Uh-um.
00:09:27
Interviewer: Oh you have--you--you have to watch--
00:09:29
Doug: Uh-um; no.
00:09:29
Interviewer: --have to watch this. It’s about an orphanage which we don’t have any more--we don’t call them that and it’s these people would come and it would be a day when all the kids would like go and--some of the kids would just stand there and go I’m not getting picked you know. And the other kids would go up there and go oh pick me; I’m really the best one.
00:09:48
Doug: Yeah; we never did that. I mean when we were at those adoption fairs, at a certain point you just knew you weren’t going to be adopted. And while we knew--
00:09:56
Interviewer: Yeah; after the age of four.
00:09:56
Doug: Yeah; and--and so you knew that you know it’s just another exercise and--and in a few months you’ll be back there and people will be talking to the little kids, the babies, and that would be it.
00:10:07
Interviewer: So did you have like feelings that while you were in foster care--did you know your birth mother?
00:10:13
Doug: No; I met my mother and father 56 years--at 56 years of age.
00:10:24
Interviewer: So you didn’t know them and did you know why they had--?
00:10:28
Doug: I didn’t know anything.
00:10:28
Interviewer: You knew nothing?
00:10:29
Doug: Nothing.
00:10:30
Interviewer: Did you think about it?
00:10:30
Doug: Absolutely.
00:10:33
Interviewer: Say--
00:10:33
Doug: I thought about it all my life. You always wonder where you came from, if you have brothers and sisters, what life would be if you were with your family, but it wasn’t something that was weighing on me.
00:10:53
Interviewer: Just--
00:10:53
Doug: It was--it was--it was there all the time but I was able to kind of push it aside and deal with what was you know. Life--this is life and this is probably all I’m going to know. I wondered about the other side but it didn’t weigh on me.
00:11:10
Interviewer: So we’re going to get to that but tell me what happened when were taken home. You were chosen. I was always thinking it’s like a baby supermarket or--it’s like you’re a melon.
00:11:19
Doug: Yeah; I went--
00:11:19
Interviewer: And they’ve squeezed your head and oh this one is good--good and ripe; I’ll take this one.
00:11:22
Doug: Well you know the usual conversation; we’re going to be your mother and father. And by the way this is your sister, Dawn. You know and--and Dawn was wonderful to me.
00:11:35
Interviewer: Was Dawn adopted?
00:11:37
Doug: No, no; she was a natural daughter and she was always--treated me like a brother from day one. Never did we have a conversation about I was adopted; we never had that conversation. And obviously she and I were aware of it.
00:11:58
Interviewer: Uh-hm; did you have it with your parents? Did you ever--well let me ask this; like was there an age where you remember being adopted and then thinking I want to search--you know 56 you said?
00:12:11
Doug: Well you know I--I remember getting old enough and telling--you know shortly after I was adopted Eddie and Gloria broke up. And Gloria said to Eddie in my presence, well you can send him back. And Eddie said I don’t think so. So Gloria went off with my--my sister, Dawn, and I stayed with Eddie. And that was a very unusual situation in 1957--’58. You didn’t have little boys growing up with their father and no mother. I didn’t know anybody else in that situation.
00:12:51
Interviewer: Wow; so you really--?
00:12:54
Doug: So you know back to your question about did we ever have a conversation, I can remember when I was about nine or ten saying to Eddie, hey thank you because I knew where I could have been and at that point I was a little older and kind of recognized having lived in a home with someone who I called mother and father versus living in a home calling somebody Mr. So and So and Mrs. So and So. I kind of got that at that point.
00:13:25
And so I didn’t want to go back to that. I didn’t want to go back to a group home; I didn’t want to go back to foster care, and so I began to appreciate it--what it was for someone to pick me, one, and for someone to stick by me--two.
00:13:44
Interviewer: Yeah; amazing, that’s a pretty amazing that he did. And did you have a good relationship with him always?
00:13:50
Doug: Father, mother, brother, friend, all my life.
00:13:53
Interviewer: Really?
00:13:57
Doug: Yes; while Eddie was alive he was my father and my mother and my brother and my friend and we had lots of fun together.
00:14:04
Interviewer: It was just you and Eddie?
00:14:06
Doug: Just he and I.
00:14:07
Interviewer: That’s a good story.
00:14:08
Doug: Yeah; now things weren’t always good. I mean he--he took--he took the separation extremely hard. And the result of that was a lot of drinking, and I know that he was sad. And when he was sad he drank. And that made life difficult for both of us, not physically--not from him to me as a physical matter, but as a--just a living matter, just very tough.
00:14:46
Interviewer: Yeah; unpredictable for you. Did you feel I mean as a kid I mean it must be--I know divorce--children of divorced parents lots of times feel they’re to blame for it. They take that on themselves and then being adopted also you know could be--.
00:15:03
Doug: You know I think foster care had toughened me up emotionally and so I never felt like I was the blame for anything. Sometimes you know as a kid you go to the victim route, why me, why can't I have a normal family? You know you go through that. That--that toughened me up; I just--I--I--what I learned as--as a kid between the age of eight and ten was how to take care of myself. And so whatever was going to happen I was going to have to deal with it and do something about it and it wasn’t going to be anybody to help me.
00:15:53
Interviewer: So you are very independent and I think a lot of adoptees take that road and become very independent.
00:16:01
Doug: Well I think that plus I think I was emotionally hardened until I met my wife, but I think I was very I could be very distant, very cold--as an emotional matter. You know never having a mother is an interesting experience.
00:16:21
Interviewer: Really interesting. So now you’re a teenager with Eddie and you think about like who--where did that come from but you’re--did you--you’re not going to discuss it with Eddie and you’re not going to search?
00:16:33
Doug: No; I--you know I decided once--when I thought about you know who I was, I--I simply--I looked at Eddie and I said you know he--he could have--he had an opportunity to send me back. I could never look for anybody given that situation. I mean I know Eddie loved me and I knew that--that I would never do anything I thought would affect him in a negative way. I never wanted him to think for a moment that I was not happy to be his son.
00:17:07
Interviewer: Did you look like Eddie?
00:17:09
Doug: No; nope--we were night and day and I’m night and day with all the other family that’s related to Eddie. We don’t look alike. We don’t think alike. We don’t talk alike. We didn’t do alike.
00:17:22
Interviewer: Did you have a fantasy of what your family would be?
00:17:24
Doug: Many times.
00:17:26
Interviewer: What was that fantasy?
00:17:27
Doug: Oh you know maybe I’d have had rich parents [Laughs] and they’d come and get me one day you know. But you know then you see movies like--oh what was the name of that movie, the kid was in the Navy? Anyway I can't remember; he searched for his parents. This movie came out about 15 years ago.
00:17:49
Interviewer: I’m trying to remember.
00:17:50
Doug: And I remember sitting in that movie and--and watching him meet his mother who turned out to be kind of a--a broken down alcoholic woman. And how he just couldn’t--she didn’t relate to him and he couldn’t relate to her and how hurtful it was for him. And so you know you go from--you go from one extreme when you--when you’re young and fantasizing and then to--as you grow older you realize, you know what; your parents could be anybody or anything and there--you know therein lies the--the fear of finding out. Can you deal with that emotional kick in the head or a wonderful hug?
00:18:38
Interviewer: I think that’s why a lot of adoptees don’t look, are afraid--I mean it took me forever because I’d start and stop. I mean I always had this fantasy that my parents were Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner. I mean that was my fantasy; that’s what I wanted to believe. They got back together and--because I always liked Frank Sinatra. I thought he was like the coolest guy ever and that was it; that was you know--. But the--the reality is it could be anybody.
00:19:02
Doug: Yeah.
00:19:04
Interviewer: It could be you know--
00:19:04
Doug: But you still want to know.
00:19:07
Interviewer: Well yeah; to that point.
00:19:07
Doug: I mean I--I mean I--I still wanted to know if I had brothers and sisters and if you know--who my parents were.
00:19:17
Interviewer: Well because you know there’s this therapist at the New York [Foundling] that said while I was searching and while Darryl was searching, adoptees search because no one starts the book on chapter two.
00:19:28
Doug: Uh-hm.
00:19:30
Interviewer: You have a chapter one. So no matter what your chapter one is whether your mother was raped or your mother was a schizophrenic or your father was in jail or your mother was a princess, or--it’s your history. That is your story.
00:19:46
Doug: Well it’s--it’s interesting you say that. You know I was talking to someone the other day and we were talking about one of my sons who did a little video of his life having just graduated from college. And there were all these baby pictures. And someone asked me, do you have any baby pictures, Doug? And I said baby pictures; I don’t have any. I don’t have a picture of myself until I’m seven years-old.
00:20:17
Interviewer: Also adoptees what we don’t have are the birth stories, you know when the people sit around and they go oh I had labor--I was in labor for seven hours with you or you know you were an easy--or you would--you took the bottle. I mean none of us have that. I was adopted at six days-old, but still you know--but my mother never gave birth to me, so I didn’t have a--you know that story around my being here. I--how did I get here?
00:20:47
Doug: Yeah.
00:20:49
Interviewer: I remember when I searched and I found out my mother’s name, my birth mother’s name, I called my therapist because I was seeing an adopted--a therapist who as adopted herself, which was the only way I could ever do it you know was to talk to somebody--. And when I found her I went I was born. Like it just clicked in my head like I actually came from somebody; I was born. I didn’t just appear.
00:21:18
Doug: That’s--that’s--you know I never--I never thought about those kinds of things. I just wondered who they were and what they did and you know what it would have been like to grow up with them particularly with brothers and sisters because as--as growing up with me being the--the only child and everybody in the neighborhood had brothers and sisters. You know so if you got into a little scrap with somebody you had to fight their brother and their sister. I mean I didn’t have--I didn’t have any of that you know.
00:21:50
Interviewer: Right; you had no--you had no backup.
00:21:52
Doug: But--but what happened--what happened for me was I developed some very good friends, who were like family to me. And you know growing up in a small town that was possible because there was a lot of nurturing; you know everybody knew everyone else and you know families had been in town for a long time. So there weren’t any secrets; you know it wasn’t like the parents didn’t know. They all knew I was adopted but I never--they never talked about it. It was--I didn’t feel like it was a secret but it was never--I was never confronted with it. And there were other kids around who were adopted. There was a group home in town and we went to school with group kids from the group home. And so and I knew kids whose families had some kind of difficulty who were sent to the group home in town and then still went to school with us. So that was always a reminder to me.
00:22:54
And I can remember in school where kids would make fun of the kids in the group home. I was never down with that; I was always friends with those kids because I always knew--I always knew that I’m a step away from that.
00:23:09
Interviewer: When I found out I was adopted at 11 I started becoming friends with the kids I knew in my neighborhood that were the bad kids.
00:23:17
Doug: Well I was one of those.
00:23:18
Interviewer: Because they were foster--well I acted--once I found out I was adopted I acted out too. But I hung out with the foster kid you know and the--even though I was smart and I skipped a grade I would hang out with the kids in the dumb class. Like I would always befriend those people, you know.
00:23:40
Doug: Yeah; well you know I think as--as a kid one of the things that--that kept me from going all the way bad, because I kind of went halfway--I was an athlete. I loved sports and to compete and I grew up in an environment where all we did was play. We played basketball, football, baseball, soccer, tennis, swam, gymnastics; it was all there for us. And we ice-skated; we did everything.
00:24:10
Interviewer: So that saved you?
00:24:11
Doug: That--that really saved me. I was--as a teenager I was a gym rat as they say. I--I was always in the gym playing something and always involved with sports in school which always kept my interest in school.
00:24:24
Interviewer: Do the kids you mentor now do you--you know push them towards sports?
00:24:29
Doug: I don’t push them anywhere, because we’re getting these kids that--13 or 14--you know we’re just trying to keep them in school. And what I’ve learned through that experience is if you can get these kids into the mainstream it’s okay. You know because we were dealing with the most difficult kids, the kids who weren’t going to school, the kids who were--who were involved in all kinds of things--far too young and too immature to deal with them.
00:25:02
Interviewer: I want to get to why you’re searching--but I want to ask you; why did you start mentoring? Why did you start doing this?
00:25:07
Doug: Well you know I worked for 32 years at Chase Manhattan Bank and I--when I left I knew exactly what I was going to do when I retired from the bank. It was one, go work with--in foster care and work with kids to give back and two, to do something else in the community to give back. And I--I joined the Board of a minority bank to do just that. And you know it was real clear to me what I wanted to do. You know I had--you know I always feel like I’ve lived--I’ve lived a charmed life having been exposed to things I’ve been exposed to. I was always a step away from a very bad experience. And so you know I just felt like I’ve lived a charmed life.
00:25:53
Interviewer: You are; I mean this woman before said you know if being adopted put me in the place where I am now where it is my destiny to work and help kids because I understand what it could have been like, she says then it’s worth it. You know the rejection--
00:26:11
Doug: Oh absolutely; absolutely. You know I always said you need to separate your--your--your income in two pockets--one, your psychic income and your financial income, particularly if you’re a black person in America. If you put it altogether in one pocket and you’re so tied up in your job that--that’s all you’re interested in you’re probably going to be in trouble. African Americans in corporate America struggle. And so I leaned right away it’s a psychic income pocket and it’s a financial income pocket. Let’s not get the two confused here.
00:26:49
Interviewer: Right; right, right.
00:26:51
Doug: You know I’m not just one--whatever they call me at work--person. There’s a whole other side of me that I cherish and develop and love and that’s who I really am.
00:27:03
Interviewer: So now let’s talk about your search, so Eddie--?
00:27:09
Doug: Eddie passed away and I decided--
00:27:10
Interviewer: How old were you when Eddie passed away?
00:27:12
Doug: How old was I? I must have been 44 or 45, something around there. He lived long enough to see me as a successful businessperson in the world and to participate in the benefits of that. And so what I decided when I was going to retire early, I would search for my family. And I retired and I started to search. And like everybody else who searches in New York State there is no chance--unless someone is looking for you, and so I’m 56 years-old, 55, 54 years-old. Actually I started I guess at 52. Nothing; you know every--
00:28:04
Interviewer: What did you do to start searching?
00:28:08
Doug: Well I--you know I went--I called whatever--whoever you call in the State to see what the procedures were. Found out what they all were, followed them all, filled out the paperwork.
00:28:17
Interviewer: Got your non-identifying information?
00:28:21
Doug: That’s right; sent--sent all--sent it all off you know and you get--. Someone called me--no; I called them because I wasn’t getting any kind of response. And they said you know Mr. Anderson, it--it--you have filed your information. We have it; if someone should search for you we’ll be happy to put the two of you together.
00:28:42
Interviewer: But you were--from an agency right? Did you come--?
00:28:47
Doug: Right.
00:28:47
Interviewer: What agency?
00:28:48
Doug: I--I just--there’s a--there’s an agency here in New York State that you can call and--and find out what to do. Or maybe I called Buffalo; I probably did call Buffalo. In fact when they turned me--when I couldn’t get the stuff from New York State I did in fact call Buffalo to see you know what you could do, and of course you can't do anything. You know there is no information.
00:29:12
Interviewer: You sent away to Albany.
00:29:13
Doug: I did all of that.
00:29:14
Interviewer: It takes six months and it’s that same guy, Michael [Kaluchi] or whatever his name is; it’s the same signature since I was like you know 17 years-old. I think it’s the same guy saying I can't give you that information; I can't give you that information. I mean it’s like--it’s so frustrating.
00:29:29
Doug: Right; right. And so at the same time I was--I had been introduced to a Harlem Dowling. And they were interested in me joining the Board.
00:29:40
Interviewer: Say what Harlem Dowling is.
00:29:41
Doug: Harlem Dowling is a--a foster care agency in New York City. There’s about 450 kids who are managed through the agency. And so when I left work I decided that I would you know see what that was about. And then they asked me to join the Board. I really didn’t want to join any Boards. I didn’t want to be on top looking down; I wanted to be involved. And so I got to know the people who ran it and I ran into--they introduced me to a woman named April [Dinwitty]. And we chatted and she had this program for other adoptees to mentor kids in foster care who had the potential to be adopted.
00:30:31
And I thought perfect. So I joined the group. And as I talked to the nine or ten people who were involved there, all of them had looked for their parents. One guy was from Buffalo. So I said Bob, you know you’re from Buffalo. How did you find your parents? He said well I met this woman who searches for people. And I said you found your family in New York State? He said yeah. You want her number? I said of course.
00:31:15
Interviewer: Yeah; right. [Laughs]
00:31:16
Doug: I said of course. [Laughs]
00:31:18
Interviewer: Did Pam; was it Pam?
00:31:19
Doug: It was Pam.
00:31:19
Interviewer: Yeah.
00:31:19
Doug: And so I--I called Pam and she--we chatted for a little while and she says do you have your birth certificate and does it have this little number in the corner and she asked me a few questions. And I said yeah; I have all of that. So she says send the information; I’ll get back to you in a couple of weeks.
00:31:39
I really didn’t think a lot of it. I didn’t poo-poo it, but I just said, you know what are the chances? I’m 56 years-old; what are the chances of my parents being alive, number one; number two I haven't been able to do it. How is she going to do it? I was in the agency two weeks later with the kids. My cell phone rings and it’s Pam, and she says Doug I found your mother. I was stunned. I was absolutely stunned. I didn’t say a word. She says let me tell you about your grandparents, your--your aunt, all about your mother, where she lives, what her phone number is; I said my mother is alive? She says yes. She lives at 435 [Humboldt] Parkway, Buffalo, New York. I was just--I was stunned. I just--there wasn’t a word I could say; I’m there with all these kids. I’m looking around and I’m saying holy mackerel are you kidding me?
00:32:51
So I--I wrote down everything she gave me and I didn’t know what to do with it.
00:33:01
Interviewer: You just kind of looked at it probably?
00:33:03
Doug: I--for a couple--I came home and I told Carolyn. I said Carolyn, my mother is--
00:33:08
Interviewer: You have her name now?
00:33:09
Doug: Yeah; I said Bernice James, 435 [Humboldt] Parkway; Buffalo. I know where that is. [Laughs] I said you know I’ve been on [Humboldt]. We used to play the [Humboldt] Y in the basketball league in Jamestown. And but I was--I was--I was so stunned I didn’t know what to do with it.
00:33:31
Interviewer: You just froze?
00:33:31
Doug: Yeah; I was. For a couple of days I just kind of sat with it. And then I thought--
00:33:38
Interviewer: Did she say your name? Did you know your birth name?
00:33:40
Doug: She told me my name--Douglas Martin Bolden.
00:33:46
Interviewer: See that blows my mind; we had different names.
00:33:50
Doug: And I said wow. So I--I sat with it for a few days [Laughs] and I decided well I’ll write a letter. Right; so I’m composing this letter and it’s taking me two or three days. I call Pam back and I said well Pam I’ve--I’ve written a letter and I’m going to send it to my mother and see what happens. And she says you know your mother is 76 years-old, 77 years-old. She may be living with someone. She may have a spouse that gets the mail or a daughter that gets the mail because you have a sister [Laughs]. She could have a caretaker who gets the mail. I wouldn’t do that. I said well what would you do? She said I would call.
00:34:37
Now I have the phone number. I would call. I said call? [Laughs] What--what am I going to say? And we chatted back and forth and I--I sat on it again. I just--you know that--that’s a tough call. That’s--this is 56 years later. So I--I called Bernice up one day and I said--
00:35:00
Interviewer: Did you just call and hang up or--?
00:35:02
Doug: No, no; no, no, I called.
00:35:03
Interviewer: You just did it; you committed?
00:35:05
Doug: I called and she picked up. And I said Mrs. James? She said yes. I said well I’m--I’m told that you may be able to help me. She said yes. I said my name is Douglas Martin Bolden. Silence; and then she said I’ve been waiting for this call for 56 years. And of course we both cried because we both knew. And we chatted for a long time that day; we chatted for an hour. At the end of the conversation I said well what--who is my father? And she says Old Ted. I said Old Ted? Is Old Ted alive? She says oh--oh yeah; he’s alive and we’re friends. We’ve been friends for 75 years. We grew up together in Niagara Falls and we’ve been friends all our lives.
00:35:56
I said well can--can I talk to Ted? She said I’ll call him and tell him. [Laughs] Now mind you he never knew anything about me. She got pregnant, was sent to a home for unwed mothers, had me, and went back home; never told him.
00:36:29
Interviewer: Wow.
00:36:30
Doug: So he didn’t know.
00:36:32
Interviewer: Do you know what a miracle this is that this woman at this age is going to make the call and tell Ted you exist?
00:36:38
Doug: Well so--so she calls him and tells him. He calls me. We chat for a little while and I tell him I’m going to Buffalo on Mother’s Day to meet my mother. I think it was Mother’s Day. No, no; it was my sister’s birthday, Dawn’s birthday, April 4th. I was going up that weekend. And I was going to go from Jamestown to Buffalo and meet my mother. So I went to Jamestown and had dinner with my sister and told her about what was up. And the next morning I--I was going to drive to Buffalo and go see my mother. And when I had this conversation with my father, he said well maybe I’ll come by; maybe I’ll come by. [Laughs]
00:37:29
So anyway I went to Buffalo and I bought some flowers and drove right to [Humboldt] Parkway, 435, drove in the driveway and couldn’t get out the car. I could not get out the car. I see my mother in the doorway; I’m in the car. I can't get out. I must have sat there five or ten minutes. So I finally got myself together and I walked up on the porch. She opened the door. We hugged each other, I gave her some flowers, she cried; I went back in the car. I don’t--the emotion for me was something I had never experienced. I didn’t think I could be that emotional and certainly not that emotional about someone I didn’t know but it was--it was overwhelming for me.
00:38:30
I went back in the car. I sat down and got myself together again, went back in the house, and of course now--she doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know if I’m--I could be anybody. She has my--my sister, her daughter; she has a daughter, my sister, who had five kids and one of her sons was there, big fellow, kind of like--and he didn’t say a word. She introduced me to him and we sat down and we started talking. About an hour later, a knock on the door; she says would you get the door? It’s Ted. You know he--I opened the door; we hugged each other. He sat down. We chatted for about 10 minutes and he said I can't deny you. You’re clearly one of us--as he puts it. You’re one of us, which meant a Williamson.
00:39:29
And I said to him, you know we chat for a little while. I said to him well I can understand if you don’t care to continue this relationship, you know given number one, you didn’t know anything about me, and number two, you’ve got a family with five kids and a wife. I don’t want to disrupt that. I just wanted to meet my parents.
00:39:54
Interviewer: Now this is what you’re saying?
00:39:54
Doug: I’m saying it directly to--you know.
00:39:56
Interviewer: But what are you feeling?
00:39:57
Doug: No; I felt like that because I--I--you know I thought this is a hell of an intrusion. It’s 56 years; people have had lives and you know my life had been great. [Laughs] So--so I said to him I said look; you know I can understand if you don’t want to you know continue this relationship. You know I’m happy to meet you all. And he said, no; you’re one of us. And he said I--I want you to meet your brother. My brother was living--I’m living in New Jersey and worked in the city; my brother lived in Connecticut--.
00:40:45
Interviewer: These are half siblings?
00:40:46
Doug: Half--half siblings; these are not--my mother and father never were married, been friends all their lives. They had me when they were young; they weren’t young. They were 23--25, but they never got married. So I have five brothers, half brothers and sisters with my father and one sister with my mother. So I said sure; you know and so we continue to talk. And so I said finally I said to them, I said well you two must wonder what I’m thinking about this situation. I said let me just tell you one single thing, the thing I really think about relative to the two of you. I want to thank you for these genes because I now understand better why I was different than the people around me; how I was able to get through life with some obstacles that other people didn’t face and not be crazy. [Laughs] You know I met--my father owns a funeral home and is a very successful businessman and my mother was a--a principal in--in Buffalo, New York and had a very successful career and extremely well-educated. So I--you know my--my parents were really two very bright hard-working successful people.
00:42:24
Interviewer: Did you look like them?
00:42:25
Doug: I look exactly like my grandfather and an uncle which is why my father said to me, you’re--you’re one of us. I look like them.
00:42:37
Interviewer: Did it feel so great to see people that looked like you?
00:42:40
Doug: Well you know my father and I look a little alike. I subsequently went to a family reunion and saw a lot of people that looked like me.
00:42:49
Interviewer: That’s so good.
00:42:50
Doug: And I thought what a wonderful thing. But anyway my--my--the story is interesting. I--
00:42:58
Interviewer: Yeah; it is, I’ll say. It’s very interesting.
00:43:00
Doug: I called my brother and I said Ted Williamson? He’s Ted Williamson, Jr. I said my name is Doug Anderson and Ted Williamson, Sr. asked me to give you a call. He said oh okay. I said but you need to sit down. He’s at work. I said you need to sit down for this conversation. I said I’m your older brother. Pause; yeah that could be a possibility, [Laughs]knowing my father, as he said. I said okay; so we chat for a little while and--and it turns out that he works for Prudential. He works for people that I worked with for 25 years at Chase. They President of Chase went to work for Prudential and all our colleagues, many of my friends went from--from Chase to Prudential. It turns out that one of my colleagues is my--my brother reports into him. So it’s this little--
00:44:05
Interviewer: Very close.
00:44:05
Doug: Yeah; and as we chat I find out he went to college on a track scholarship the same as I did. We’re both on the business track. We have kids the same age; you know all of these similarities.
00:44:17
So he and I decide to meet. And so I called--we chatted. I said look; my favorite restaurant is on 51st between Park and Madison Avenue in New York City. Why don’t we meet for lunch? You know he says it just so happens I’m making a speech at Chase Manhattan Bank at JP Morgan on 51st and Lex on Wednesday. So I said well why don’t we eat lunch? He said can't lunch; I have lunch already. Why don’t we have dinner? And I said fine; we’ll go to this restaurant, 7 o'clock. So I said well I’m going to go early.
00:44:57
I go at 6:30; I’m walking up across the street from the restaurant thinking well I’m just going to see if I can recognize my brother. Down the street on the same side is this black guy. I’m looking at him. We walk up to each other and I said Ted? He said Doug? We hugged. We both did exactly the same thing; we come early. We’re going to look for--to see if we can see and recognize our brother. So we meet and we hug. We go in the restaurant, 7 o'clock; 11:30 we’re in the restaurant still talking. It gets more bizarre.
00:45:33
As we chat he’s telling me about my brothers and sisters and he mentions--my older sister’s name is Tanya Williamson. So the name rings a bell. But I couldn’t quite get it. Now this is 2006 I guess; 2005. So I--I go home and I tell my wife. I said Carolyn; you know I meet my brother. You know we have all these similarities. Really got along well; I had a great--we had a great dinner and you know I’m going to meet the rest of the family. He’s told me all about my brothers and sisters. I go to sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night. I said Tanya Williamson, Niagara Falls. I nudge Carolyn; I said Carolyn? You remember a girl who was a roommate of a girl I grew up with who came to New York--came to New York to dance with [Alvin Ailey] and her roommate, my home-girl, brought her to our apartment in Union City, New Jersey?
00:46:49
Interviewer: Oh my--.
00:46:52
Doug: And Carolyn says I kind of remember. I said I remember someone saying that the two of us looked alike; never thought anything about it.
00:47:02
So I concluded that Tanya that I met in 1975--’74 was my sister. So the next day I call her up and we’re chatting on the phone. And I said to her, I said, you know anybody from Jamestown, New York? She said oh; yeah, my roommate. I said what? She said yeah; my roommate. I said you remember coming to Union City, an apartment overlooking New York? She says yeah. I said that was me--your brother.
00:47:39
Interviewer: Wow. Are you friends--you’re still friendly with your brother and sister now--your relationship?
00:47:48
Doug: I’m friendly. In the last--in the last three weeks I’ve seen all five of my brothers and sisters and mother and father. Two have come to visit me, been in my home, and I was in Buffalo a couple of weeks ago at a christening and my brother christened his--his newest son and I’m the godfather.
00:48:11
Interviewer: So this is like a miracle story. You go through--
00:48:14
Doug: It’s perfect.
00:48:16
Interviewer: It’s perfect.
00:48:16
Doug: You know it--
00:48:17
Interviewer: You couldn’t write this; this is like a Charles Dickens novel.
00:48:20
Doug: As I--you know when I said I’ve lived a charmed life--this is all part of it. You know I go to work at a Bank, undergraduate in their Corporate Finance Program with all white well-to-do kids from the best schools in the country with MBAs. And you know we get through this program and I end up an Executive Vice President on the Management Committee. I mean it’s--it’s a charmed life.
00:48:52
Interviewer: It’s--it’s an amazing story. You--you can chronicle it. You know there’s--now why did they put you up for adoption--because they were young and they weren’t together? Did you ask them that?
00:49:06
Doug: Yeah; I asked my mother that and her father--her father--. I asked my mother why I was put up for adoption and it was simply her father did not--wasn’t going to have a--a child out of wedlock in his household.
00:49:26
Interviewer: And did you ever ask her why she didn’t look for you, just--?
00:49:31
Doug: You know I left that alone. I never asked my mother why she didn’t look for me because you know the--my life has been so good; I’m willing to accept whatever happened in the past. I’m only looking to what’s happening going forward. And what I have is a wonderful relationship with my mother, my father, my brothers and sisters. I’m enjoying it; it doesn’t matter what happen. It didn’t affect me in a negative way; if anything it may have prepared me better for the world I was going to deal with. And so I didn’t walk around with this burden that a lot of people walk around with. I always looked at life--it was an adventure.
00:50:16
Interviewer: Well you certainly had you know I mean--you couldn’t write this; I’m telling you. It’s like there is this baby given up, right; becomes of an age where you’re unadoptable.
00:50:30
Doug: Uh-hm.
00:50:30
Interviewer: Get adopted; they divorce. Nobody gives you back to the foster care. Eddie keeps you. You stay with Eddie; you’re loyal to Eddie. You--you don’t even like look for anybody. You don’t like throw that up to him or anything.
00:50:48
Doug: Let me just say this; Eddie--Eddie and I--Eddie and I lived together for 40-some years or you know I didn’t live with him--you know he’s my father--never--he never raised his voice to me. I never raised my voice to him.
00:51:07
Interviewer: Do you ever think about writing a book about this--Eddie and Me?
00:51:12
Doug: People ask me that--no.
00:51:15
Interviewer: It’s a great story. I mean it’s an amazing story.
00:51:18
Doug: Yeah; I know.
00:51:19
Interviewer: I mean I don’t even know what to ask. I mean it’s an amazing story.
00:51:21
Doug: I know; I’ve--I’ve lived a charmed life.
00:51:23
Interviewer: And it’s like now it has the Antoine Fisher happy ending where the whole family is there with open arms and your parents are alive--both of them.
00:51:31
Doug: They’re--they’re alive and I talk to them all the time.
00:51:35
Interviewer: You found the birth mother and the birth father which very few of us ever do.
00:51:38
Doug: Well more--and--and not only just finding them but having a relationship that’s for real.
00:51:45
Interviewer: Well that’s beyond finding them, but just even finding them--
00:51:46
Doug: Yeah.
